


Ribbons

by not_a_total_basket_case



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Character Turned Into a Ghost, Childhood Friends, F/M, Kinda, just like heaven - kinda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-19
Updated: 2017-11-01
Packaged: 2019-01-19 16:08:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12413484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/not_a_total_basket_case/pseuds/not_a_total_basket_case
Summary: Bellamy Blake is six years old when he moves into the old Griffin residence. The last thing he expects is the ghost of their daughter to be haunting his bedroom.Bellamy grows up with who he thinks is ghost Clarke, only to find out that she's not really dead.Or the 'kind of but not really' Just Like Heaven AU.





	1. You're Real

**Author's Note:**

> This came from two separate tumblr prompts that I wanted to. "Character A has been haunted by character B their entire life," and "A and B have been friends since they were children, that's why it took them so long to realise they're in love."
> 
> This is part one of hopefully three. I should have the other two chapters up tomorrow and the next day. It was supposed to only be like.... 4000 words. Oops.
> 
> Also, bare in mind that is written from a very young Bellamy’s point of view. Hence the childlike writing to begin with.

_April, 1999_

Bellamy is six years old when they move into their new home. He doesn’t want to move. He _likes_ his old house and his school and his friends. But mum says they have to move away from Octavia’s dad and Bellamy decides that that is a good enough reason, even if he’s not happy about it.

“You won’t have to share a room with O in this house.” Mum tells him, pulling into the driveway of their new home. It’s big. Way bigger than their old one. There is heaps of room for playing in the front yard and there is already a tyre swing hanging in the tree. Bellamy wonders if the family that lived here before had a kid. Maybe he’d meet them at school. They would know all the best secrets about the house.

“Will she still be close? What if she cries?” Bellamy asks, too much concern in his voice for a six year old.

“Mama will be close this time. I’ll get her.” Mum says, opening his door and lifting him from the truck. Bellamy goes straight to the swing, testing the ropes before climbing into the tyre.

“Be careful, sweetheart!” Mum calls, when he’s swinging he can see her over the top of the car, getting Octavia out. Octavia is only a baby still and she doesn’t really do much yet, but Bellamy loves her. Mum has to work lots and so she says ‘his sister, his responsibility.’ But she says it will be different here.

“Do you want to come see your new room?” She calls when Bellamy doesn’t answer. He waits until the swing is at its highest and then jumps. He hits the ground, the palms of his hands scraping on the grass. It hurts but the jump was too much fun for him to really care.

He follows mum inside and up the stairs to his new room. The furniture is new and not his but the bed looks good to jump on and there is a big chest in the corner that mum says he can put his toys in. Mum leaves his suitcase on the floor and asks him to unpack and then come downstairs for dinner.

“What are you doing in my room?” A voice asks. He turns around really quickly and gets a dizzy feeling. Sitting on his new bed is a little girl, she’s smaller than him but probably only a little bit younger. She’s wearing a dress that Bellamy knows his mum couldn’t afford even though he doesn’t really understand money yet. She’s got her blonde hair in two braids and bright, blue eyes. She looks confused.

“This is my room. I just moved here.” Bellamy tells her, wondering if he should call mum back. She always told him that it was dangerous to go into the house of strangers and he should always check with her before visiting someone. The Blake’s weren’t bad people, but this little girl could be lost.

“No. I live here. MUM!” She yells, running out of the room, “MUMMY, DADDY.” Bellamy follows her out onto the landing and stops. She’s gone. Maybe she is a ghost. He’s watched _Casper_ like a hundred times so he knows about ghosts, but that little girl didn’t look like Casper.

He goes back into his room, to unpack his things. Mum would be mad if he didn’t and she had been in a better mood since they started driving three days ago. She didn’t even get mad when Bellamy asked if they were there yet lots of times. He puts his clothes into his dresser as neatly as he can, making sure his shirts and pants stay folded. He doesn’t want mum to have to iron them if she doesn’t have to. He’d do it himself, but mum says he isn’t allowed to use the iron yet.

After he’s finished unpacking he opens the big wardrobe. It’s empty but it would be a good hiding spot for hide and seek when O gets a bit bigger. He opens the chest at the end of the bed and that’s empty too. He slides under the bed and this time finds something. Wedged between the floorboards is a pink ribbon. He pulls it out, deciding it will be a good present for Octavia when it’s her birthday in October. He places it on his dresser for later.

“Bell, come down for dinner!” Mum yells up the stairs and it’s something she doesn’t say very often. They didn’t have dinner together at their old apartment. Mum usually told Bellamy to eat in his room, to stay out of Octavia’s dad’s way.

At the dinner table Bellamy asks mum if the people that lived here before had a little kid, like him. Mum tells him that they do, but they had to move to the city because she got sick. The hospital here couldn’t help her.

*

After his bath and his mum has read him his story, the little girl comes back. He can only see her because he has the nightlight plugged in. He’s not _scared_ of the dark. He’s too old to be scared, but he doesn’t like not being able to see in case he has to get up and check on Octavia or mum.

“How come my mummy and daddy aren’t here?” She asks. She’s sitting crossed legged on the bed and is still wearing the same dress. He supposes ghosts don’t need to have baths.

“My mum said that the people who used to live in this house had to move ‘cause their kid got sick.” Bellamy tells her. He’s sure he should probably say this different, but he’s six and he doesn’t really know how. “I think you might be a ghost.” The little girl puts her hand over her mouth and starts to cry. Bellamy moves to sit beside her and puts one arm over her shoulder. That’s what makes mum feel better when she’s sad. The little girl feels solid, which surprise him. Ghosts aren’t solid.

“I don’t want to be a ghost.” She cries.

“I can see you still.” Bellamy tells her, “So maybe you can be my friend?”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. My name is Bellamy.” He says, smiling.

“Mine’s Clarke.”

And that’s how Bellamy Blake becomes friends with Clarke, the ghost.

*

Bellamy has his first day of school a few days later and mum takes him into his class for the first time ever. The girls in the first grade think Octavia is really cute and loves the way she was clinging to Bellamy, who is piggy backing her into the classroom.

He sits next to a boy, called Nathan Miller. There is another boy in the class called Nathan Maxwell, so Bellamy calls his Nathan, Miller. Miller tells him about the girl that used to sit in the seat next to him. She had been hit by a car a few months ago and now she is in hospital in the city. Miller shows Bellamy a photo at the front of the room. It’s of Clarke, the ghost in his bedroom. Bellamy doesn’t tell Miller this. He hasn’t even told mum. Mum wouldn’t want to live in a haunted house. And Bellamy really likes it there.

Fairly quickly, quicker than he thought, he also becomes friends with three other boys. Monty, Jasper and Wells. Wells had been Clarke’s best friend and he talks about her all the time. He’s positive that they’re talking about his Clarke, because Clarke has told him some of the same stories. It’s a bit weird, having a ghost for a friend, because he has to pretend he hasn’t heard some of the stories before. They would want to see Clarke if he told them, and he is pretty sure that he is the only one that can see her.

*

Over the summer he goes to all his new friends houses, but they never come to his. He doesn’t really understand why, but he doesn’t mind, because Miller has a bigger television and Jasper’s dad is teaching them some cool science experiments and Well’s has a pool and Monty’s mum makes the best ice-cream sundaes. They play games on Miller’s Nintendo 64, they play in the woods and they swim. It’s the best summer of Bellamy’s life.

But nothing beats staying up after his mum has gone to bed and talking to Clarke. She draws the best pictures to go with their stories and they go through more crayons than he ever has in his life. He’s sad that Clarke can’t leave his bedroom. He knows when she tries she just disappears for a while. He’d like to be able to hang out in the living room with Clarke and his sister sometimes. He’s also sad that Clarke can’t walk through walls or make things move like ghosts can in the movies.

But he wouldn’t change Clarke for the world. He likes her just as she is.

 

_September, 1999_

“What do you do while I’m at school?” Bellamy asks one night. Mum has already gone to bed and it’s the first time he’s really wondering what Clarke does when she is alone.

“I don’t know. It’s kind of fuzzy when you’re not home.” She admits, looking down. Bellamy had learned that she was a six months younger than him when she died, but it had been her birthday a few weeks ago. She looked older than she had in March. So they decided must be six by now. He’d stolen some cookies from downstairs on her birthday. Clarke couldn’t really taste them, but it made her smile anyway.

“I wish you could leave the room.” Bellamy mutters, kicking his shoe on the floorboards. He’s supposed to go to Monty’s house this weekend, but he really wants to finish the drawing for the story they’re telling instead.

“I wish I could too.” She agrees.

“You must get bored.” Bellamy says sadly.

“I don’t think it counts as being bored if I can’t remember. And I’m never bored when you’re here.”

“What about when I’m asleep?” He asks.

“I think I must go to sleep too.” She says slowly, as if she’s thinking about it. “I can’t really tell.”

Knowing that Clarke isn’t bored while he’s not there does make him feel a little better about going to Monty’s on the weekend, but it also makes him feel a little bit guilty. She can’t play or draw or have fun when he’s not there. She’s all on her own. Even if she doesn’t remember.

*

One day he makes the mistake of telling mum a story with Clarke in it.

“Who’s Clark?” She asks, “Is he new at school?”

“She’s the girl who used to live here. The one that had to go to hospital.” Bellamy says, deciding to tell mum the truth. She’s always told him he wouldn’t get in trouble if he just tells the truth.

“Bellamy, how do you know about her?” Mum asks, she sounds mad. Bellamy frowns. Why is she mad when he’s telling the truth?

“I think her ghost lives in my bedroom.” Bellamy shrugs his shoulders, helping himself to another cookie.

“Bellamy Blake. You listen to me now. That poor girl is not dead, but she’s very, very hurt. You can’t make fun of someone’s memory like that. There is no ghost in your bedroom.” Mum scolds.

“She is real, mum! I talk to her every day!” Bellamy cries, jumping out of his chair. His loud outburst makes Octavia cry, but he doesn’t really care right now. Clarke is real. He has her drawings to prove it.

*

Bellamy is sitting on the landing outside his bedroom, listening to mum on the phone. Clarke is sitting in his doorway humming quietly and colouring in their drawings.

“It’s like she’s his imaginary friend. He shows me pictures that they’ve drawn together. Apparently she can’t come out of his bedroom.” Mum is saying. Bellamy thinks she is talking to Monty’s mum. “You’re right. He must have heard it from the other boys. The Jaha’s are close to the Griffin’s and so are the Jordan’s… I’ll talk to David about it as well… Thelonius maybe not…”

“My last name is Griffin.” Clarke tells him, holding her finished picture up for him to see. It’s way better than anything he can draw. He can’t imagine why his mum thinks he has drawn them.

“You’re not my imaginary friend.” Bellamy tells her, “You’re real.”

“Well, duh.”

 

_March, 2000_

Bellamy is finally allowed to have people over on his seventh birthday. He’s really excited, because even though he knows Clarke won’t be able to talk to them, they will all get to hang out together. Miller, Wells, Jasper and Monty are going to sleep over. Mum has made a cake and they have blown up balloons to decorate the living room.

He’d already opened his present from mum and O and it’s a Nintendo 64 and he knows it’s second hand but he hasn’t stopped playing it all morning. Octavia is one and a half, as he proudly tells people, but she keeps trying to pull the cords out. It’s annoying.

Clarke is probably waiting for him upstairs, but he is too engrossed in his game to go check on her. She’s started to remember some of the time while she was alone, so Bellamy leaves all his books for her to read. They do his homework together as well, so Clarke learns the new words he is learning in second grade too, as well as the maths, which Bellamy thinks is hard and Clarke thinks is easy.

Bellamy turns the game off when he hears a knock on the door. It’s Wells, who gives him a present and his mum gives Bellamy’s mum a tray of food. Bellamy tears the paper off his present and grins. It’s a remote control car. He and Wells drive it up and down the hallway, while they wait for the other three.

He has a fun day with his friends, he gets more cool presents and mum lets them watch a movie ‘til late. She’s put mattresses down in his room, so they can all camp out and they’re going to stay up _so_ late.

They stumble into bed at nine thirty, which Monty announces is the latest he’s ever stayed up. Bellamy grins because last year he stayed up til midnight with Miller on New Years Eve.

“Happy birthday, Bellamy.” Clarke says, sitting on the edge of his bed. He jumps, he hadn’t seen her but he doesn’t say anything. They had agreed it was easier than making him look crazy. The five boys talk until late, Clarke occasionally saying something she thinks Bellamy should say and making jokes that only he laughs at because only he can hear them. Just over an hour later, everyone except Bellamy and Clarke are asleep.

“I miss them all so much.” Clarke tells him, lying down beside him. She has tears in her eyes. “I wish I wasn’t dead.”

“Me too.” He whispers. “It would be so much funner if they could see you too.”

 

_December, 2001_

It’s almost Christmas and all Bellamy wants to do is play outside in the snow, but Clarke is pretty much around all the time and when he goes outside he can see her watching from his window. A few months ago Bellamy had gone to stay with his grandma for five nights and Clarke practically lost her mind with boredom. So he tries to hang out with her as much as he can.

“How can you be dead but still growing?” Bellamy asks one day, throwing his ball against the wall and catching it. Mum was going to come in and yell at him soon. The _thud_ drives her crazy.

“I don’t know.” Clarke wonders. Her hair is longer, but still in the braids and her blue dress is the same, but still fits her. She’s still smaller than Bellamy, but she is definitely not five years old anymore.

“It’s weird. Miller and I read this ghost book at school and the house was haunted but the ghost could go into all the rooms and he looked like he did when he died. He was all bloody and stuff.” Bellamy tells her. She likes hearing about what they do at school.

“I don’t look the same now.”

“It’s weird you can touch things too.” Bellamy says, “Isn’t your hand s’posed to go straight through it?”

“Guess not.” She says, hitting his ball so it falls his dresser. He glares.

“It’s just weird.” Bellamy tells her. He’s lying on his stomach scooping the ball out when his fingers brush against something else. He pulls out the dusty, pink ribbon he had found the first night he lived in the house. He’d completely forgotten about it.

“Hey! That’s mine!” Clarke says, excitedly taking the ribbon from Bellamy and pulling it through her fingers.

“From when you were alive?” He asks.

“I think so.”

*

It’s a few days later that Bellamy takes the ribbon downstairs with him. Clarke doesn’t like wearing it in her hair and he thinks that maybe Octavia will. She’s three now. She likes things like that.

Bellamy is tying off the end of the little plait in Octavia’s hair and is about to tie in the ribbon when he hears a gasp.

“Bellamy.” Clarke whispers, looking at him in shock. _She’s downstairs._ For the first time in two and a half years.

“How did you get down here?” He asks, forgetting the Octavia can’t see her.

“I walk from upstairs.” Octavia says, toddling slightly to her toy box in the corner of the room.

“The ribbon.” Clarke says after a moments thought. “It’s from when I was alive.”

“Are you haunting a ribbon?” Bellamy asks, snorting with laughter. He knows ghosts can haunt things and not just houses. He’s seen it on TV.

“When you came down here, I felt like I could follow. And so I tried and I… I actually could.” She tells him, a little breathlessly.

“You can follow me when I have this?” He asks, holding the ribbon up and expecting it. It doesn’t look magic or anything, a little dusty, but otherwise just an ordinary ribbon.

“Can we try and play outside, please Bell?” She begs, ignoring his question and looking longingly into the snowy backyard.

*

They try putting the ribbon in Clarke’s pocket, to see if she’s able to go wherever she wants when she has it, but it doesn’t work. It’s as though she is anchored to the ribbon, but without Bellamy carrying it, the ribbon is anchored to the house. Clarke can’t get out of whatever room the ribbon is in.

And that’s how Bellamy ends up carrying a pink ribbon with him everywhere he goes. With Clarke being able to leave his bedroom he no longer feels guilty for going out with his friends. She starts coming to school with him, leaning over his desk and telling him the answers to hard questions. As he is getting older, he is actually starting to worry about Clarke’s education. So this is good. She is back to being smarter than him. When she’s bored she sits in the corner, behind the bookcase and colours. Most days, he wishes he could join her.

She comes to his friends houses, she watches him play baseball. She comes the next time he has to stay with his grandma and makes faces at him while he’s trying to be serious. She makes fun of the babysitter, a nice lady called Vera, when she tries to make Bellamy eat his vegetables. She tries to make Bellamy laugh when there are other people around. It’s embarrassing but he’s so happy to have her with him. Even if he has to carry her ribbon with him everywhere he goes.

 


	2. We can't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy and Clarke grow up together. And finally realise she isn't a ghost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter shooooould be up tomorrow, but I am still deciding how to end it, so it might be the next day.
> 
> If anyone has any advice on how someone would wake up from a learn term coma and then what there after care would be like, hit me up!

_February, 2002_

“How do I know you’re really real?” Bellamy asks Clarke one morning. They’re laying in the melting snow, trying to make snow angels.

“I have an idea.” Clarke declares, standing up and pulling them both out of the snow. Bellamy has been doubting Clarke’s existence, trying to decide if he was really crazy for a while now. Clarke rolls her eyes at him every time. But one night when mum had fallen asleep watching a movie, Bellamy and Clarke had watched the one after. It was about a murderer who had something called ‘split personality’ and thought his friend was killing people but it was really him. Bellamy and Clarke were scared after that, until Bellamy had asked, ‘ _why are you scared? You’re already dead.’_ And they had both laughed until they felt better.

But the story had stuck with Bellamy. What if Clarke is his other personality and he’s actually crazy? Clarke can physically move things, he knows that much, he sees her do it all the time. And she was currently leaving an imprint in the snow. But no one else seemed to notice her presence. She could accidentally brush past someone at school, but they wouldn't feel their shoulders knocking together. She could stand right beside someone and they wouldn't feel her. And he could. 

“Get a shovel.” She says bossily. 

“Where are we going?” He asks, but obligingly collects a shovel from their little, garden shed and follows her. She stops in the corner of the backyard and instructs him to start digging. More curious than anything, he helps her dig until the hole is about a foot deep and they hit something.

“What is it?” He asks, helping her clear the dirt and pulling out a metal box.

“A time cap-stle?” She tries. “I don’t know. My dad and I buried it when I was four. It’s proof I’m real.”

“Capsule.” He tells her, “What did you put in it?”

“My favourite toy. Some photos. A cassette tape because dad knew they were going out of style but wanted me to remember what they are. I don’t remember the rest.”

They open the box and to Bellamy’s surprise, it is full of things that prove she’s real. She takes a teddy out of the box and hugs it. There are tears in her eyes but Bellamy pretends he doesn’t see them. There are lots of photos of Clarke and her dad and some of her mum, there are some newspaper articles that Bellamy doesn’t bother reading, a cassette tape of a band he’s never heard of, lots of papers that Bellamy isn’t interested in and a letter addressed to Clarke.

“I’m not allowed to read this until I’m eighteen.” She says, taking it from him and putting it in the box. “Can we hide this upstairs in your room? I don’t want to bury it again.”

“Course.” He says, taking the box from her and sneaking upstairs. They giggle as they wash the dirt of their hands. Bellamy is finally confident that Clarke is real. He’s not just losing his mind.

 

_May, 2004_

Bellamy and Octavia (and Clarke) are walking home from school and Clarke is being weirdly quiet. Normally she has a stream of non-stop chatter that he can’t respond to until they're alone. Bellamy waits until Octavia has skipped a few steps ahead before he asks her what’s the matter. Octavia is five now. She notices when Bellamy seems to be talking to himself. Bellamy is eleven though. He knows how to outsmart his sister.

“What’s wrong?” He asks quietly, well aware that he looks like he’s talking to himself. He’s sure some people in the town must think he’s crazy.

“Wells is moving away.” Clarke says sadly, shrugging as though it wasn’t news to Bellamy. Clarke still likes Wells best of all Bellamy’s other friends. Sometimes she sits next to his desk instead. Wells can’t see her, but she likes to be close.

“How do you know?” He asks. “Wells hasn’t said anything to me.”

“He hasn’t?” Clarke asks, brow furrowing as though she’s trying to remember something. “He’s moving to the city with his dad. He must have told you. I haven’t been anywhere without you to hear it.” Wells’ mum had died at the beginning of the year. Bellamy (and Clarke) had gone to the funeral with his mum. Clarke had cried and Bellamy had held his breath to stop himself crying. It wouldn’t be surprising if they were planning on moving.

“Maybe you have psychic ghost powers.” Bellamy suggests, “Or maybe you’re imagining things.”

“Am not imagining things.” She snaps at him.

“Are too!”

“Am not. You’re imagining things. You’re probably imagining me.” Clarke teases. She teases him a lot now that they’re older. She likes to tell him that she’s his imaginary friend.

“Should I just leave your ribbon the footpath then?” Bellamy taunts, taking her ribbon from his pocket. It’s dirty, from years of being carried everywhere. The edges are starting to fray and Bellamy has started to fold it into his pocket neatly, instead of shoving it in. He’s worried about what will happen to Clarke if something happens to her ribbon.

“You would be too lonely without me.” She knows he won’t do it. She’s his best friend. His best friend is a _ghost_.

 

_September 2005_

It’s raining the day Clarke turns twelve, so they don’t get to go down to the river like they had planned, but they do hang out in his bedroom. They’re reading a book on Roman history and somehow Clarke is just as interested in it as Bellamy. None of his other friends ever read with him, so this is nice.

Clarke looks twelve and now that Bellamy is older he has a feeling she might not be a ghost. Ghosts can’t grow up and Clarke definitely is getting older. Also she knows things, things that she can’t have found out from just hanging around Bellamy. She knew Wells was moving before he’d gotten home and his mum had told him. She knew things that adults knew, stuff that kids overhear grownups talking about. Stuff that his mother doesn’t talk about. By twelve, Bellamy is sure she isn’t a ghost. But he doesn’t know what she is.

Maybe she’s his guardian angel. That’s why she is always with him and always helping him. That’s how she finds things out before he does. It kind of makes sense.

“Bellamy! Come help with dinner.” His mother shouts up the stairs.

“Want to stay up here?” He asks, taking her ribbon from his pocket and dropping it on the bed. She nods, but doesn’t say anything.

“Remember when I had an imaginary friend?” Bellamy asks mum as he sets the table. “Clarke?”

“Yes?” Mum asks, she sounds cautious. She doesn’t like talking about Clarke. She almost seems embarrassed that Bellamy had her as an ‘imaginary friend.’

“I know she used to live here, that’s why… that’s why I named her Clarke. What happened to her in real life?”

“Bellamy,” she says quietly, putting down the knife she was using and coming to stand next to him. “Before we lived here, there was a horrible accident. Clarke was playing in the street and a car, with a man who shouldn’t have been driving, hit her. She was hurt and there was nothing that the hospital here could do to help. And so her parents moved to the city to be close to her. She’s still alive, but she’s in a coma. It’s like being asleep, but you can’t wake up.”

“Will she ever wake up?” Bellamy asks, trying not to panic. He has a feeling if she wakes up she will be gone. He knew she wasn’t a ghost, but he still doesn’t want to lose her.

“They don’t know.”

“Is that why Wells moved to the city?”

“His dad is best friends with Clarke’s dad. I used to be best friends with Abby, Clarke’s mum. That’s why we’re living in the house. They didn’t want to sell it but they didn’t want to live here. Abby knew we had to get away from Octavia’s dad, so she said we should come here. We’re renting it from them.”

“Can we visit Clarke?” He asks. Maybe if he could talk to her in real life she would wake up and then they could be actual friends. _But maybe she wouldn’t remember him. Maybe it would be like a dream to her._

“No baby. We can’t.”

*

That night he tells Clarke what he had found out. He’s not really sure he wants to, but he would be mad if he found out she was keeping a secret from him.

“Mum says you’re in a coma.” Bellamy tells her. It’s really late, mum would be mad if she knew he was still up.

“What’s a coma?” She asks. They have his curtains open and are trying to find constellations outside. The book is between them, but so far Bellamy is the only one who has been able to find any.

“It’s like when you’re sick and you need to sleep to get better, except you can’t wake up. That’s why your parents moved away. They needed to move closer to your hospital.” Bellamy explains. He doesn’t really understand how you can’t wake up. What happens when you’re just not tired anymore?

“Will I ever wake up?” She wonders. She doesn’t sound as sad as he thought she would.

“Mum doesn’t know.”

“I don’t want to wake up, because then I wouldn’t be with you.” She tells him. “I won’t have friends if I wake up.”

“We’ll be friends if you wake up.” He promises, his eyes feeling heavy with sleep. “Happy birthday, Clarke.”

“Thanks, Bell.”

 

_June, 2006_

“How come you moved here?” Clarke asks him one day, “Like, I’m glad you did, because it could be someone I don’t like who lives in my bedroom, but why did you move into our house?”

Bellamy thinks for a while. He’d never really told anyone about Octavia’s dad because his mum didn’t like talking about it to anyone. But Clarke wasn’t going to tell anyone. She can’t.

“When Octavia was a baby, we lived in this little apartment with her dad and mum and us.” Bellamy begins slowly, Clarke is listening attentively. She’s happy to wait for him to tell the story, seems to sense it's not a nice one. “And he wasn’t a good person. He drank lots and he didn’t ever go to work but he didn’t look after us either. I had to look after Octavia because mum said ‘my sister, my responsibility.’ And if I annoyed him, mum would get in trouble when she got home. Like, he’d throw things and sometimes hit her.”

“Oh my god, Bellamy! I didn’t know that!” Clarke exclaims angrily, crossing her skinny arms and scowling.

“Your mum knew, so when you got hurt and she moved, she asked mum to move into this house.” Bellamy says.

“I wish I knew you before this happened.”

“Me too. Then I would be able to visit you.”

 

_July, 2008_

Bellamy is fifteen when he gets his first girlfriend. He’s going on a date with her and Clarke is teasing him as he gets ready.

“That is waaaay too much gel.” She grins as he slicks his hair back. He’d told Clarke about Roma weeks ago. Clarke agrees she is pretty, but she doesn’t think she has much of a personality. Bellamy says he doesn’t trust her judgement, because he’s her only friend. It’s not much to base things on. 

“Shut up.” He tells her. “I’m ready.”

“Don’t forget my ribbon!” Clarke says as he starts to leave the room. He falters. He’s not bringing Clarke. He’s taken her everywhere for nearly seven years but this is a date. He might even _kiss_ Roma, and he doesn’t want Clarke watching. He thought she would understand that.

“Clarke,” He says slowly, “I can’t take you on a date.”

“Why?” She asks, sounding petulant and looking hurt. “You take me everywhere.”

“Yeah but this is different.” He blushes. He’s known Clarke for over nine years, but he doesn’t know how to explain that he thinks he wants to kiss Roma and he doesn’t want Clarke there. He wants some time alone.

“She can’t even see me!”

“Yeah, but I can.” He knows it’s the wrong thing to say as soon as he says it.

“Fine. Whatever.” She snaps. “Have a great time.”

“Clarke, don’t.” He tries. He doesn’t want to fight with her. He knows she hates being shut in his room. He hasn’t left her locked in if she doesn’t want to be in there since they had found out about her ribbon. “I can put you downstairs if you want?”

“Nope.” She says, popping the p and glaring at him. “I’ll stay here. See you when you get home.”

“Bye Clarke.” He says quietly. She must know why he wants to be alone with Roma. When they had done Sex Ed at school, he’d slipped her ribbon into Harper McIntyre’s bag so she could learn with the other girls. He wasn’t sure if it would work but when Harper came back into class so had Clarke. He face was bright red and she wouldn’t tell Bellamy any of what the class had talked about.

His date with Roma is okay, but he spends the whole time feeling bad about his fight with Clarke. They go to the cinema and watch ‘Hancock’ and then go to a café and share some lunch. Roma does kiss him when he walks her home and for a moment every thought of Clarke is pushed from his mind. She’s kissed another boy before, so Bellamy lets her take the lead but it’s nice and they make out in her driveway for a while.

“I had a good time.” She says, when they pull apart. “I’ll see you on Monday.”

“Me too. Bye Roma.”

The walk home is weird without Clarke. He’s never been without her. He wants to talk to her about his date and the kiss. She’d laugh at him, but at least he’d get to ask her if she thinks the date went alright.

He goes straight to his room when he gets home, pulling the door shut, ready to apologise to Clarke. She’s sitting at his desk, clicking through something on the old computer he’s got set up.

“Hi.” He says, when Clarke doesn’t look up.

“Hi.” She repeats back at him.

“Are you mad at me still?” He asks, swivelling her chair around so she’s facing him.

“No.” She sighs. “I just don’t like that I have to rely on you to be able to leave this stupid bedroom. I’m not dead, but I’m not alive either. I hate this! I hate this so much. I hate being in limbo.” She’s shouting by the time she finishes speaking and he sinks down so he’s on his knees beside her. She sort of falls out of the chair and into his arms, where he can feel her sobs tearing through her body. He’s always known that one day she will be sick of being whatever she is. And he knows there isn’t really anything he can do to help her, but goddamn he wishes he could.

“I want to be able to drink the shitty flavoured coffee you bitch about. I want to have girl friends to talk to about – just things. I want to know Octavia. I want to go to school. I want to go on dates. I wanted to slam the door in your stupid face when you left me in this stupid room. But you would get in trouble because no one knows I exist.” She gives a watery laugh and Bellamy smiles back.

“I’ve got an idea.” He says, taking her hand and hauling her to her feet. He takes her ribbon from his desk and calls goodbye to his mum and sister, before walking out the front door again. Clarke is walking beside him, a constant stream of questions coming from her. But he doesn’t let up, this is going to be a surprise.

“The haunted house?” Clarke deadpans, looking at him with raised eyebrows. “You of all people should know that there aren’t any ghosts here. Apparently you can see them.”

“Shut up. You’re not a ghost. Come on.” He pushes the front door of the ‘haunted house’ open and waits for Clarke to follow him inside. It’s not really haunted, it’s just abandoned. No one has lived here for ten years. But it’s sturdy and Clarke wants to slam doors.

“Go ahead.” Bellamy says, pulling open one of the doors and nodding to it. “Slam away.” Clarke grins, taking the door and pushing it with enough force that it feels like the whole house rattles. He watches her with a smile as she takes out her frustration on the house. She definitely needs it.

“Here’s trouble.” She mutters darkly, after a few minutes, glancing out the window at the three boys getting off bikes at the front of the house. Murphy, Mbege and Dax. Murphy and Mbege are alright most of the time. They’re in Bellamy’s year and they’re just jerks. But Dax is a year older and if Bellamy’s honest, a bit scary. But Bellamy puts on his best cocky bravado when they walk in the house.

“Whatcha doing in here, Blake?” Dax taunts, when he spots Bellamy.

“Ghost hunting.” He shrugs, nodding into the corner where Clarke is standing, a small smirk on her face. They’d talked about doing this, but never had. She thought it was mean. The three boys all turn, obviously unable to see her.

“There’s nothing there.” Dax says, unnecessarily.

“No shit, Dax. Did you work that out on your own?” Bellamy taunts. If this doesn’t work, he’s going to get punched in the face. He nods to Clarke slightly, who leans forward and slams the front door shut. All three of the boys jump, but Bellamy leans casually against the wall, hands in his pockets.

“The fuck?" Murphy mutters, but before any of them can respond, Mbege lunges forward and reaches for Bellamy’s pocket. Before he can stop it, he’s pulled Clarke’s ribbon out. Bellamy glances at Clarke who looks panicked. They’ve never talked about what would happen if someone took her ribbon. It just didn’t seem like something that was possible. Bellamy literally always had it.

“What’s this, Blake?” Mbege taunts, dangling it in front of.

“A ribbon?” He suggests, voice not as nonchalant as he was going for. What if they damage it?

“Why do you need a pretty ribbon?” Murphy smirks. _Honestly,_ did these three have nothing better to do?

“It’s my sisters.” He says, rolling his eyes but glancing at Clarke again. He doesn’t know what to. If he makes a grab for her ribbon, they’re going to know just how much he wants it back. And if they know that, they are not going to give it back to him. Classic bullies. Clarke is walking around the room, opening the three windows quietly. The other boys haven’t noticed yet and she obviously has a plan, so Bellamy works to keep the attention on him.

“Sure it’s not yours?” Dax asks, smirking as if he’s just made the funniest joke in the world. Bellamy tries not to roll his eyes, but doesn’t quite manage it.

“Yep. You got me. That’s mine.” With his words, the window closest to Murphy slams shut, seemingly on it’s own. Clarke moves to the next two and slams them both. She stands in front of Mbege who’s no longer paying any attention but still has Clarke’s ribbon hanging loosely in his hand. She tugs it and lets it fall to the floor, where she plants her foot over it.

“Let’s get the hell out of here.” Dax mutters, leading the way out of the front door.

“Scared of something?” Bellamy calls after them, letting Clarke slam the door they’ve just run out of. He picks her ribbon up and lets them both back out of the house. They laugh the whole walk home, Bellamy clutching Clarke’s ribbon tightly in his hand.

“I needed that, thank you.” She tells him.

“I think I did too.” He laughs.

 

_February, 2009_

“Bellamy?” He starts awake. Clarke is shaking his shoulder and visibly trembling, tears running down her face.

“Clarke?” He asks, leaning over and switching his bedside light on. “What’s wrong?”

“I – I think my dad is d-dead.” She whimpers, collapsing into him and letting him pull her into a hug.

“What? How do you know?” He asks, stroking her hair. He still doesn’t know what she is, but damn does she feel real to him. Her tears are even soaking through his shirt.

“I t-think my mum t-told me.” She sobs. “Wherever my body is. I –I think I c-can hear her talking. It’s how I know things you don’t show me.”

“I’m so, so sorry, Clarke.” Bellamy whispers. There is no way to know for sure right now. He can’t ask his mum without her thinking Bellamy is crazy. From what he’s gathered over the years, the Griffin’s are quite a wealthy and influential family. They’d found articles on Clarke’s accident online. The guy who caused it was arrested and sentenced to jail time. But there was no information on her current condition. Maybe they could find out what had happened to Jake in the morning.

*

Bellamy wakes up again with Clarke still curled up in his arms. She doesn’t sleep, usually goes on his computer while does. He’s become used to the sound of typing, lulling him to sleep. She must feel him wake up, because she sits up.

“Morning, Bell. Sorry.” She says quietly. Her eyes are red and puffy, but she’s not crying anymore.

“Don’t be sorry.” He tells her. She hasn’t done anything wrong.

“I haven’t seen my dad for nearly ten years. They probably think I’m as good as dead.” Clarke whispers, her voice catching slightly. 

“They don’t.” He says sharply. “They obviously come and visit you. How else would you know what you know?”

“What if they forget about me?”

“No way, Clarke. Not a chance.”

*

Later that day they find an article confirming Jake Griffin’s death. He’d simply been in the wrong place at the wrong time. Abby declined to comment but apparently a close friend of the family says it couldn’t have come at a worse time, leading up to the ten year anniversary of their daughters accident.

At school the next week, they have a small tribute for Clarke and her dad. It’s been ten years since she’s been at school, but coming from such a small town, Bellamy, his new friend - Raven and two others are the only ones who never met her. At least not really.

Bellamy skips the rest of the school day. He hides behind the gym and cries with Clarke. She’s heartbroken about her dad. He wishes she could have spent her childhood knowing him, instead of being confined to a ribbon in his pocket.

Raven finds him just before school ends and sits down. She doesn’t ask him what’s wrong, just offers him some gum. She also doesn't offer any explanation as to why she's not in class either.

“I like her.” Clarke says quietly, even though Raven can’t see or hear her. Bellamy nods, pulling his shirt around so Raven won’t notice the tear stains Clarke has left there.

“Come on, you need to get home.” Raven says at almost four. She offers him her hand and pulls him up. “I hope you have a better day tomorrow.” She squeezes his shoulder and lets herself into the gym through the back door. It’s Monday and she has cheer practice until six.

“I wouldn’t have pegged her as a cheerleader.” Bellamy tells Clarke as they start the walk home.

“I think she just likes the yelling.” Clarke says. “I hear she also likes to blow things up.”

“From who?” Bellamy laughs. He’s picturing a cheerleader in a lab coat.

“Jasper and Monty. She’s in their AP chemistry class.”

“How do you know this?”

“I listen, Bellamy. Give it a try.”

Clarke’s not crying anymore but she still looks heartbroken. There’s no one around so he picks up her hand and gives it a squeeze. “You know I’ll always listen if you need me.” He tells her, dropping their hands. She doesn’t let go though, so neither does he.

*

Later he finds out that Raven skipped class because her boyfriend - Finn Collins (who is now the only person Bellamy actively hates) - was cheating on her and she found out.

Raven and Bellamy mess around one night a few months later when his mum is at work and his sister is at a sleepover. He leaves Clarke downstairs watching a movie and she gives him a knowing look and a pep talk. He shuts the door on her, telling her to fuck off as chirpily as he can manage. It's weird, Clarke knowing exactly what's happening, but he does his best to ignore that.

Nothing is bad with Raven, but they decide they're really just friends and it never happens again. 

 

_September, 2010_

They’re both seventeen when Bellamy realises he has feelings for the girl living in limbo. He’s in the shower, when it hits him. Clarke isn’t just his best friend anymore. He likes her. He _really_ likes her. That’s why he broke up with Roma. And it’s why he had never let anything serious happen with him and Bree or Raven or Gina. He knocks his head against the shower wall, way too hard, as if he’s hoping it will knock some sense into him.

Falling for her sort of feels inevitable, now he thinks about it. If she had been a real girl that he spent literally every day with since he was six years old, he feels like he would have realised sooner. But he can’t do anything about it. She may be a physical being in his life, but to everyone else, she was the girl that used to live in his house that was probably never going to wake up.

“Bellamy, hurry up!” Octavia screams at him, smashing on the bathroom door. She’s eleven going on twenty and spends more time in the bathroom than he would have thought possible. Clarke laughs with him, but more than once he has caught her looking over Octavia’s shoulder at the makeup catalogues that end up in their mailbox with a wistful look in her eye. 

“Give me a minute.” He mutters, shutting off the water and getting out of the shower. He runs his hands through his messy curls, glad he stopped trying to tame it with gel. Clarke had been right about that one.

“It’s been a minute!”

“If you’ve been standing out there counting, Octavia, I swear to god I am going to take longer.” He yells as he steps into his jeans and pulls the door open. She’s standing there with her hands on her hips and a frown on her face. Oh, and Clarke is behind her, looking vaguely amused.

“Can I have this?” She asks, holding up the tattered ribbon that he remembers throwing on his bed when he had gone for the shower.

“What do want it for?” He asks, snatching it off her.

“I want to sew it to my jeans.” She shrugs. He mentally winces at the weird phase Octavia is going through, where she wants to sew sequins to all her clothes.

“No.” He says, pocketing it and walking past her.

“Why the hell not?” Octavia snaps, pouting at him.

“Yeah, Bell. Why the hell not?” Clarke asks, standing beside Octavia and smirking at him. Octavia can’t see her, but Bellamy really feels like he’s being ganged up on. He almost tells Clarke to shut up.

“Don’t swear. It’s not mine.” Bellamy shrugs honestly. He’s about to spin a story about it belonging to a girl at school. Maybe Harper, she is the kind to wear ribbons and Bellamy is friends with her now. She has a crush on Monty. But Clarke tells him Monty has a crush on Miller.

“Ooh, is it your giiiirl friends?” Octavia teases, cackling manically.

“No. It’s not.” Bellamy says, flushing because now he’s thinking of Clarke as his girlfriend. Octavia really doesn’t know how annoying she is.

“It is!” Octavia sings, stepping into the bathroom and locking the door behind her.

“You’re a brat!” He calls at his sister and then turns to Clarke. “So are you.” He whispers, sidestepping around her, into his bedroom, where he drops Clarke’s ribbon into one of his draws, hoping Octavia won’t go snooping again.

“You love it.” She grins. _Yeah,_ he thinks, _I think I might._

*

Knowing he has feelings for Clarke makes his life kind of hard. He can’t tell anyone about it and now he has no desire to date or even mess around with any of the girls he knows. Which compared to his old self, is kind of weird

They’re laying on his bed, idly scrolling through Facebook on his laptop. Bellamy is fairly new to social media, but just about all of his friends use it. He had succumbed to their peer pressure.

“She’s pretty.” Clarke says, stopping his scrolling and pointing at the girl on the screen. Niylah Woods had started school with them a few months earlier. She’s nice but Bellamy knows nothing about her.

“Not my type.” He mutters, trying to keep scrolling. Clarke had taken to trying to set Bellamy up recently. It’s going to become a problem now. He would have to start thinking of better excuses than ‘not my type.’

“Yeah, you’re not hers either.” Clarke says, glancing up at him. “She’s into girls.”

“Oh.” Bellamy says. Clarke is way more perceptive than him. It’s probably to do with the fact that she can walk through the classroom and eavesdrop on conversations without being caught.

“I think I might be too. Into girls.” Clarke tells him, it feels like a blow to the stomach even though he has no right to have any say in who she’s into. “Guys too. Like. I know you’re pretty hot. But I think Niylah is too.”

“You think I’m hot.” He teases, shoving her a little.

“You know you’re hot. Shut the fuck up.” She laughs.

“But seriously, that’s cool. I don’t mind who you’re into.” He tells her, knowing that it was probably hard for her to tell him that. She would know he wouldn’t judge her or have any issues with it. Miller had told them he was gay last year. Clarke claims she knew it was coming. Bellamy had been surprised, but it didn’t change anything.

“I knew you’d be cool. But you’re the only person I have to tell. I needed to be nervous.” She laughs, letting out a breath that Bellamy didn’t realise she was holding.

_November, 2010_

“Truth or dare?’ Harper asks. She’s having what her and Zoe insist on calling a ‘gathering’ for Harper’s seventeenth birthday. All his closest friends are here, Jasper, Monty and Miller, as well as Harper and Zoe, Raven, Luna, Bree and Roma and some other girls Bellamy doesn’t really know, Fox, Niylah and Maya. Somehow Murphy had weaselled his way into their group and is sitting on the edge of the room, like the rest of the group, watching Bellamy expectantly.

“Truth.” He decides.

“Do you like _like_ anyone?” Harper asks. It’s so typical he almost laughs. He’s not really sure how to answer it, _because_ yes he does. He likes Clarke. But that’s not something he can admit. He has trouble admitting it even to himself.

“Ugh.” He mumbles, earning himself a laugh from Clarke. He can’t help but glare at her, she’s standing close enough to Harper that he probably gets away with it. “Yeah. I do.” He eventually says.

“Who?” Clarke yells excitedly, crossing the room to sit on the arm of his chair. If she ever wakes up, she’s going to need to relearn social cues. She’s going to be interrupting people, constantly. And he’s always going to be ignoring her.

“Who?” Raven asks.

“That’s not part of the question.” Bellamy grins, making a silent promise to himself to only pick dare from here on. “Truth or dare, Miller?”

“Dare.”

“I dare you to only speak in an English accent for the rest of the game.” Bellamy decides.

“Fine.” Miller says, perfecting the accent. “Truth or dare, Bree.”

“Who do you like?” Clarke asks him, so he misses Bree’s answer.

“Later.” He says, through gritted teeth, hoping she’ll forget.

“Who was your first kiss?’ Miller asks, maintaining the accent.

“Bellamy.” Bree says, looking at him and smirking. Bellamy winces. He and Bree hadn’t broken off on good terms initially. He had told her, probably too harshly that he simply wasn’t looking for anything. But for the sake of the friends they managed to remain civil. But that didn’t mean there wasn’t any animosity between them.

The game takes up most of the rest of the night, with Bellamy’s friends spilling their secrets with no filters. He learns about Raven’s most embarrassing moment (being walked in on by her boyfriends, new girlfriend, before they had broken up), about the time Jasper had stolen chemicals from school (so he, Raven and Monty could build a small bomb), he watches Murphy put a face full of makeup on Roma, learns about Harper’s crush on the new guy at school.

Bellamy manages ignores Clarke’s constant griping and makes sure he sticks to dares. He only briefly regrets his decision when Zoe dares him to serenade Harper’s parents without any explanation. " _Very nice, Bellamy, but please go back upstairs."_

“Who do you like?” Clarke asks again, when they’re in the bathroom later. The rest of the group is watching a movie.

“Not going to talk about that.” Bellamy deadpans.

“Oh come on, Bellamy. Tell me.”

“Not a chance in hell.” He mutters, staring at her. For the millionth time he wishes she were real. Or at least a person who could actually have feelings for without being weird. A person he could tell how he felt. A person he could actually be with. But no, he’s in love with someone he can only see if he’s carrying her stupid ribbon.

Clarke doesn’t relent. She wants to know who he has feelings for and she’s not giving in. She pesters him through the entire movie. Her whispering non-stop in his ear is distracting for more than one reason, but he tries not to think about that. She stands in front of every one of his friends asking if it’s them. He manages to ignore her pretty well, only throwing the occasional glare at her. Bellamy’s friend have already accepted he’s perpetually grumpy. They’re not going to think it’s super weird he’s glaring around the room.

Eventually, she gives up, either having realised who he is talking about or accepting he’s not going to give in and tell her. She back sits on the arm of the couch, leaning against him and draping her feet over his legs. _She really doesn’t make things easy._

 

 

_January, 2011_

Bellamy is sitting on the couch watching a movie with Clarke. She’s leaning on his shoulder, running a commentary on the movie that he isn’t listening to. She’s been more affectionate than usual with him lately. She always takes his hand when she wants him to go somewhere, instead of just leading the way. She hugs him more and leans on him a lot. Most nights she lays in bed with him, usually reading, but sometimes playing games on his phone. She’s probably just starved for human affection, but Bellamy can’t say he really minds.

They had just gotten home from a New Years Party at Miller’s. Bellamy, Monty, Jasper and Miller had stolen some beers from Miller’s dad, so he was a little bit tipsy. Clarke had come with him and had laughed a little hysterically when he had to push Bree away when she tried to kiss him at midnight. Later, he teases her that she’s lost it and she hasn’t even been able to drink. She just chastises him for thinking up an imaginary friend that misses out on the affects of alcohol. Bellamy pulled the finger at her and threatened to give her ribbon to Octavia.

“Why didn’t you kiss Bree?” Clarke asks him, looking up from his shoulder. She’s a little red in the face. The credits are rolling and the leading couple had just finished their adorable love confession and were kissing on the rooftop.

“Didn’t want to kiss her.” Bellamy shrugs, talking himself out of adding, _‘she’s not who I want to kiss.’_

“If I was alive I would have totally kissed you.” Clarke says. He knows she’s trying to say it casually but her voice is higher than it normally is and the blush in her cheeks had deepened.

“You are alive, Clarke.” Bellamy says out of habit, he really only means to tell her to stop thinking the way she is, to remind her she’s real, but she sits further up so their mouths are only inches apart. Bellamy doesn’t really know the protocol for being in love with your best friend who is in a coma and sort of haunting you, but he’s almost sure he shouldn’t kiss her. He does it anyway, because it’s New Years and because she seems to want it and because if he doesn’t kiss her, who's going to?  _And because he really wants to._

It’s gentle and the moment their lips meet, Clarke puts one of her hands in his hair. It’s only a little awkward, but Bellamy leads and Clarke quickly finds a rhythm. He opens his mouth a little, deepening the kiss and pulling her closer. It’s a second later that they both spring apart.

“We can’t.” Clarke says.

“I know.” Bellamy agrees, shaking his head a little. It’s not right. Kissing Clarke is like kissing a ghost. They can’t be anything other than friends.

“I’m just your imaginary friend.” She says, he knows she’s trying to lighten the mood but he doesn’t smile. Because to everyone else, she doesn’t exist. She really seems like just an imaginary friend.

“You’re not.” He tells her forcefully.

*

They don’t talk about that night again. But for a while they’re both cautious around each other. It feels like they’ve both overstepped a boundary with each other. Like they’ve ruined possibly the best thing in both of their lives.

It does go back to normal eventually, they’re both just aware of each others feelings. They don’t let it change anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are the sunshine in my life.
> 
> Also, fun fact! I've never seen Just Like Heaven, but I was explaining this idea to my friend before I wrote it and she made the connection, so I watched it for some inspiration!
> 
> Tumblr is [ here](http://raven-reyes-of-sunshine.tumblr.com/)


	3. Eighteen

_March, 2011_

“What am I going to do?” He asks Clarke, running a hand through his hair and looking at the papers on the floor of his bedroom. There are three acceptance letters. He’s trying to decide where and what to study. He really wants it to be history, but it seems that whatever he studies, Clarke will be there with him. And he doesn’t want her to get bored and be distracting. She's already enough of that. 

“Just pick history and go to Boston.” She says. She’s lying on his bed and has been oddly unhelpful the entire time. Bellamy thinks she’s jealous. She’s never going to be able to go to college. She won’t even get to finish school. He tries to talk to her about it, but she’s just not interested in the conversation.

“I think I’m going to.” Bellamy mutters, pulling the acceptance letter towards him. If she can’t go to college, she can at least choose the city she’s going to spend the next four years of her life in.

“Good, you’ve made the decision. Now can we do something else?” She asks, jumping off the bed, sending some of his papers flying. He scowls at her but lets her take his hand and lead him out of the house. It’s his eighteenth birthday and Clarke wants to do something to celebrate before his friends come over later in the night. She takes him to the river behind the house, where they used to play before his mum had forbidden him going down there alone. There had been no point her even trying that though, because he was never alone.

“Eighteen, Bellamy. I can’t believe you’re eighteen.” She says, leaning her head against his shoulder. Their feet are in the cold water. His jeans are getting wet, but as always, her dress stays clean and dry. She probably doesn’t even feel how cold the water is.

“You’ll be eighteen in six months.” He reminds her.

“Yeah, but you’re the one who gets to experience everything. Without you, I have nothing. What if I wake up and I forget all of this?” She asks, gesturing around her. “What if I forget you?”

“You won’t.” He says firmly, taking her hand and squeezing it. “You can’t.”

“I might Bellamy.” She says sadly.

“I’ll remind you.” He promises her.

“If I don’t remember, I want you to know that you’re the most important thing in my life. Albeit the only thing really.” She laughs a little, but her eyes are glistening. It feels like she’s saying goodbye. “I love you. In just about every way.”

“You will remember.” He whispers, “But I feel the same way.” Clarke smiles and leans in to hug him.

“Do you know something I don’t?” He asks, when she pulls away after a beat too long.

“No. I just think you should know that. How long can I actually stay in a coma for?” Bellamy feels like she’s not telling him something, but doesn’t press it. She’ll tell him when she’s ready. She always does.

 

_July, 2011_

“Bellamy, there are cops down there.” Clarke says, nodding at his window, where two officers have definitely just pulled into his driveway and are heading to his front door.

“Fuck.” He mutters, as he pockets Clarke’s ribbons and calls out to Octavia, “Stay upstairs, O.”

“Bellamy Blake?” One of the officers ask. He doesn’t remember much of the conversation after that, just the words ‘gas leak in the building’ and ‘your mother didn’t make it.’ He feels Clarke’s hand on his shoulder as they ask if there is anything they can do. _Not unless you can bring back the dead._

“Bellamy?” Octavia asks, after they’ve shut the door and are driving away. He hasn’t even had time to process. She’s standing on the landing, looking down at him.

“How long have you been there?” He croaks. Oh god. Octavia is twelve. She needs her mum.

“Mum’s dead?” She asks, tears streaming down her face as she propels herself down the stairs and into his arms. They sink to the floor together, clinging to each other and crying. He feels Clarke’s arms around his shoulders and leans back into her. She’s crying too. She knew Aurora, she’s lived in her house for twelve years.

He feels like he’s going to be sick, grief tearing through him like nothing he’s ever felt before. What is he going to do? He’s supposed to be leaving for college in September, but he can’t leave Octavia. And the only other family she has is her father. He won’t let her go back there.

And, oh god, his mum is dead.

“What are we going to do?” Octavia asks eventually. He doesn’t know how long they’ve been on the floor for. But his eyes are burning and his back is aching.

“I don’t know. But I’m not going to let anything happen to you.” He promises.

*

Somehow, _some-fucking-how_ , he manages to win custody of Octavia fairly quickly. Her father is in jail on drug related charges and isn’t getting out until after Octavia is eighteen. Bellamy has been working at a restaurant in town since his sophomore year. He was saving for college but now he has other priorities. The court agrees that Octavia staying with her brother is the best option. He withdraws his application for college and promises Octavia they’ll both go when she finishes school. He's able to pick up full-time work at the restaurant less than a week after his mothers death.

He’s sitting at the dining table, three days after the funeral trying to work out a budget. Abby Griffin had really given them a good deal on the house they were living in, but he’s trying to work out if it will be cheaper to move into a smaller place. Plus he’s desperately worried about what’s going to happen with his mum not living in this house. What’s Abby going to do?

“I don’t know how she was doing it?” Bellamy mutters, slamming his pen down. No matter how he works it, he’s not going to be able to save enough to put them both through college like his mum planned.

“She was earning more than you.” Clarke says.

“I’m going to have to pick up another job.” He groans, running his hand through his already messy curls.

“You know I’ll help however I can.” She tells him, leaning over to hand Bellamy his ringing phone. He doesn’t recognise the number, but answers it anyway. He’s received several calls from Aurora’s friends, in the last two weeks.

“Hello, is this Bellamy?” An unfamiliar voice asks.

“Yes?”

“This is Abby Griffin.” Bellamy’s stomach does a backflip. He knows his mum was in contact with Abby and for a second he’s hoping she’s calling to say Clarke is awake. But he knows she’s not when Clarke is looking at him, just as shocked.

“Hi.” Bellamy says lamely, because he doesn’t know what else to say. This is it. She’s going to tell him she’s selling the house.

“I’m so very sorry for your loss.” Abby tells him briskly, before continuing in an all business manner. “As you probably know, your mother and I came up with your living arrangement after my daughter was hurt. I don’t want to sell the house. So if you’re interested, I would like to keep the same arrangement.”

“That would be perfect, Mrs – Dr Griffin.” Bellamy tells her, without thinking. Later he’ll decide it’s the best thing for Octavia. She doesn’t need to get used to a new house, possibly a new school and a new guardian, so soon after losing her mother. “I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this.”

“You’re welcome.” Clarke’s mother says, “I can’t tell you how much my daughter loved that house.” Bellamy knows how much Clarke loves the house.

“How is she?” Bellamy asks before he can stop himself. And although it might be more his business than anyone’s, Abby doesn’t know that. She might be offended. She might hang up on him, or worse, revoke the offer.

“The same as she was twelve years ago.” Abby says sadly. He looks at the Clarke sitting in front of him, who is nothing like the shy girl he met twelve years ago. Honestly, he wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for her. He’s not really sure where he would be.

“I’m sorry to hear that.” He eventually, says because he has no idea what else to say. Abby is grieving for Clarke, while Clarke is sitting directly across from him. Abby tells him a few details of the arrangement and hangs up the phone.

“My mum.” Clarke whispers, shaking her head. Bellamy doesn’t know what to say to her, how to comfort her. “What are we going to do, Bellamy?”

“I don’t know.” He admits, standing up and wrapping his arms around her. There is so much uncertainty. How long can Clarke stay the way she is? How long until her mum gives up on her? Until she wants the house back? How is he going to get to college? (Octavia is more important, but he still wants it.) How is going to get Octavia to college? _What are they going to do?_

“You’ll figure it out. You always do.” She tells him, leaning back into him. And yeah, maybe everything will be okay, as long as he’s got her support.

*

It turns out Clarke is right; he does eventually figure it out. He picks up a second job, working three nights a week, at the twenty-four hour diner that Raven works at. Raven can’t afford to go to college either and her mum is currently taking most of her pay cheque. So after a long conversation with Clarke, an even longer conversation with Octavia and brief discussion with Abby Griffin, he offers Raven the spare room, at a rate she doesn’t believe is real.

“Bellamy. I can’t accept this.” Raven tells him, shaking her head in disbelief.

“We have a good deal here. Pay a third of the bills and you’re good.” Bellamy promises. “I need this as much as you, Rae.”

“Are you sure you’re sure?”

“Tell her that she just has to get used to you talking to yourself.” Clarke whispers unnecessarily.

“I wouldn’t be offering if I wasn’t.” Bellamy promises Raven, ignoring Clarke.

He helps her move her things that day. She only brings over two suitcases and one box of things, so it only takes them about an hour to unpack into the room. Clarke sits on the bed, making unhelpful comments about him and Raven falling in love.

“You know that’s not a thing.” He says between gritted teeth when Raven ducks out of the room to order pizza to celebrate. They both know who his feelings are for.

Octavia is thrilled to have Raven in the house and spends the first three days following her around like a puppy, lamenting how amazing it will be to have an almost sister. Raven doesn’t even seem to mind.

The two of them also have alternating shifts at the diner, which means not only do they hardly see each other, one of them is always home with Octavia at night. The situation could not have worked out better.

 

_September, 2011_

Clarke turns eighteen on just about the last warm day of the year. She can’t really enjoy the sunshine, because she doesn’t feel it but they sit outside anyway. They’re both kind of mopey, because he was supposed to be leaving for college in a few days and Clarke doesn’t particularly enjoy her birthdays. They’re pretending they’re okay though, for each others sake.

“We’re adults and I’m still haunting you.” Clarke mutters, tearing little weeds out of the grass.

“We’re adults and I have still have an imaginary friend.” He tries, knocking his shoulder against hers.

“At least that makes you the crazy one and not me.”

“Don’t you know it.” Bellamy mutters, a tad more bitterly than he had meant to.

Clarke doesn’t remember the letter her dad wrote her until Bellamy is cooking later that night. She’s sitting on the counter, chastising him for putting so many vegetables in the stir fry when he _knows_ Octavia won’t eat them.

“Holy shit, Bellamy.” She whispers, interrupting his hissed reply about Octavia needing to eat something green occasionally. “I’m eighteen.”

“Well done. Only took you all day.” Bellamy deadpans, glancing at her with raised eyebrows.

“The letter.” She calls, jumping off the counter and trying to drag Bellamy back upstairs. Bellamy hasn’t really thought about the time capsule he and Clarke dug up since the day they found it. All it had meant to him was that Clarke was real. But to Clarke it was a connection to her life before the accident, back when she knew people that weren’t Bellamy. It’s a testament to her self-control that she hasn’t opened the letter yet. And Bellamy isn’t going to make her wait any longer. He follows her upstairs and leaves the ribbon on his bed, to give her a chance to read it alone.

He doesn’t go back upstairs until after he’s finished cooking and has made sure Octavia has eaten at least half of her vegetables. Clarke is curled up on his bed, the piece of paper that she assumes is her letter hanging loosely between her fingers. She’s crying.

“Hey. You okay?” He asks, stepping into the room and dropping down beside her. She hands him the letter in lieu of responding.

 _Hey Princess Clarke,_ it begins, in neat handwriting. _First of all, happy eighteenth birthday sweetheart. Right now you’re sitting in my office, a whole four years old, building a tower out of my tapes. It’s hard to believe that you’re already four and when you read this you’ll be eighteen. That means I’m nearly forty-five. Do you still think the world of me? Probably not, I know how teenagers are. I just hope you’re not sneaking out and going to college parties yet. At least not without asking first!_

_I’m so proud of the little girl you already are and I’m certain I’ll be proud of the young woman you’ll have become by the time you read this. Are you getting ready for college? What have you chosen to study? Or are you doing something different? It doesn’t matter to me, I’m sure I’m proud regardless. Anything you do, I’m sure you put your heart and soul into. You’ll be amazing at it._

_We love you so much, princess. I know this letter is from me, but I’m signing it from mum as well. Everything we do, is for you. You’re the sunshine in ~~my~~ our lives and the best thing that ever happened to us. I can’t wait to see what the future has in store for you._

_We love you so much,_

_Dad & Mum xoxoxo _

“Clarke.” Bellamy murmurs, he doesn’t know what to say. He knows how hard it is to lose a parent. He at least got to spend his childhood with his mother. Clarke hasn’t seen her dad since she was five years old. He slides closer to her and puts an arm around her shoulders. “Are you… what do you need?”

“I’m okay.” She says, though her smile is a little less bright behind her tears. “I’m glad I got the letter, y’know? I know being a coma ghost isn’t want he would have wanted for me, but at least I have it? I have something tangible to hold onto.”

“He would be proud of who you are now, Clarke. You’re so strong.” Bellamy tells her honestly. Not many people would be able to do what she does. She gets on with her life, even if there isn’t much to it.

“I wouldn’t be without you.” She says, kissing his cheek gently and snuggling into his hug.

 

_January, 2012_

It’s been six months since he lost his mum and things are going surprisingly well. Sure, raising his thirteen year old sister isn’t exactly easy, but with Clarke and Raven’s guidance, he thinks he’s doing okay. Both he and Raven have managed to save some money and spend every Friday night playing stupid drinking games and sulking about the fact they are the only ones of their friends who are still in town.

“I really thought the world was going to end in 2012.” Bellamy mutters miserably, collapsing on the couch and draping an arm over his eyes.

“You’re so fucking dramatic.” Clarke mutters, pushing his feet off the arm of the couch so she can sit. He’s so good at communicating with her silently now, that Raven doesn’t even notice his pointed sigh and eye roll.

“Not til the end of 2012.” Raven says, all seriousness. She hands him another beer and collapses on the floor beside the couch. Octavia is at a sleepover and they had just had the busiest Saturday night at work. Which at least meant they had bought home some good tips and gotten to work together.

“If we have another shift like that, the end of 2012 couldn’t come quick enough.”

“You’re so fucking dramatic.” Raven tells him and Clarke grins at him. Of course they would start saying the same things. If Clarke were tangible, she and Raven would make good friends.

*

Bellamy’s head is pounding and it takes him a moment to figure out what woke him up. Clarke is standing beside his bed shaking his shoulder.

“What’s up?” He mumbles, reaching to turn on his bedside lamp.

“Something’s wrong.” Clarke says. She looks pale, different to normal. She’s fuzzy around the edges and looks scared. “I think – Bellamy, I think I’m dying.”

“What?” He cries, sitting up and swinging his feet out of bed. He doesn’t know what, but he has to do something.

“Look at me.” She whispers, tears in her eyes. “I’m disappearing. I don’t even think I’m solid.” Bellamy reaches for her hand. She’s… fainter, but she’s still there. He can still hold her hand.

“I’m going to the hospital.” He decides, pulling on his sweats and taking a backpack from his wardrobe. He’s stuffing a random assortment of clothes into the bag when he feels Clarke’s hand on his shoulder.

“What about Octavia? You can’t leave.” She tells him.

“I’ll get Raven to look after her.” He says, focussing on his packing and not looking at Clarke.

“What are you even going to do? I’ve been in this coma for thirteen years.”

“I’ll figure it out on the way.” He says, after pausing for too long. Truth be told, he has no idea how to help Clarke. He doesn’t even know if he can. But if she’s dying, he wants to be there, even if all he can do is say goodbye.

“Bell.” She whispers and he knows that she knows. Knows why he’s going, knows that there is nothing that he can do to help. “You don’t have to.”

“Yes,” he says through gritted teeth, “I do. Are you coming or not?” He holds up her ribbon and raises an eyebrow. She nods, following him out of the room as he pockets the ribbon.

He can see the sun rising through the window at the end of the hall, so at least he’s not bashing on Raven’s bedroom door in the middle of the night.

“What the fuck do you want?” Raven asks, stumbling slightly as she pulls the door open. “You better have food and/or coffee.”

“I have to go to the city for a couple of days. Can you pick up Octavia later?” He asks, running his hands through his hair. He knows what Raven is seeing. A sleepy, dishevelled Bellamy, holding a backpack with a frantic look on his face.

“What’s wrong?” Raven asks, waking up substantially.

“I…” He pauses, not sure how to explain this. He can’t tell her the truth, Raven barely even knows Clarke exists, let alone that she has been haunting Bellamy for thirteen years. “Miller needs me.” He ends up lying. They both know that Miller wouldn’t call unless it was something important, something that would need Bellamy to take off for a few days.

“Smooth.” Clarke says, but it lacks her usual snarky tone. Her voice is full of worry and he hates it.

“Is everything okay?” Raven asks, her voice eerily mirroring Clarke’s.

“I don’t know. I’ll call you as soon as I do.” He promises, this time honestly.

“I'm with you. I’ll look after your sister. Go sort out our friend” Raven decides, nodding her head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this has gotten so tragically away from me. I was going to post it in three sections, but the last one would have ended up at like... 10000 words. 
> 
> I’m just about finished the last chapter, the only thing I can’t decide is if Bellamy tells Miller the whole truth or skims around it? I’ve written both endings, I just can’t decide which to post. 
> 
> Also, just remember the only medical knowledge I have is from binge watching all of Scrubs about a month ago. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> Comments and kudos are the best. <3
> 
> Tumblr is [ here](http://raven-reyes-of-sunshine.tumblr.com/)!


	4. This is real

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just remember I know very little about the medical world.
> 
> Comments and kudos bring me sunshine.

He calls Miller on the drive to the bus station. He doesn’t answer because it’s 6AM but he leaves a message. “Hey man. I’ve had to head to the city for a few days and it’s a long story that I will explain one day but I told Raven it’s because you needed me. Please just go with it if she calls. This is important.”

“You don’t have to do this, Bell,” Clarke tells him for what feels like the hundredth time. “We knew this was going to end eventually. I can’t stay like this forever.”

“I’m not giving up on you, Clarke.” Bellamy snaps, pulling the car into one of the empty bays at the bus station. He gets out, grabs his bag and pats his pocket, making sure he has his wallet and her ribbon before heading to purchase his ticket.

He groans when he realises they have a forty five minute wait before the next bus. Clarke hasn’t faded anymore, but she’s still fuzzy around the edges. She doesn’t look right. He needs to get to the hospital before something else happens.

“You need to eat something.” Clarke says, her voice sounds far away, even though she is sitting on the arm of his chair, nudging him with her foot.

“I’m not particularly hungry.” He mutters, too harshly. He’s stressed, okay?

“Yeah, but you’re hungover and it’s a five hour bus trip and you don’t even know where we’re going after we get there. There are probably dozens of hospitals in the city.” She tells him bossily. “If you collapse from starvation, that’s not going to help anyone.” He glares at her, but orders himself a sandwich and a coffee that he picks at until the bus arrives. Fortunately it’s early Sunday morning and there is just about no one on the bus, so Clarke is able to get an actual seat next to him.

“What’s your plan?” She asks, watching him dig is phone out of his pocket.

“I think we need help.” He admits after a moment’s hesitation. “I know we agreed to never tell anyone, but I have no right to go to the hospital and if you’re dying, we’re going to need another mind on this.”

“What are you thinking?” Clarke asks, nodding her head, accepting they need all the help they can get.

“Miller.” Bellamy shrugs, bringing the phone to his ear.

Miller answers on the sixth ring with a sleepy, “Why Blake?”

“I need your help. I’ll be in the city in just over four hours. Can you pick me up from the bus station?” Bellamy asks. Miller is the kind of friend that will drop anything for anyone. He might complain about it, but at least he can trust Miller to do it.

“Are you okay? Is Octavia okay?” Miller asks, the sleepiness out of his voice, replaced by concern.

“Octavia’s fine. I’ll fill you in in person.” Bellamy says. He needs to work out what he’s going to say.

“Okay. I’ll pick you up soon.” Miller tells him and Bellamy hangs up. The rest of the bus trip passes fairly silently. Clarke leans on his shoulder, as though she’s tired, which is something she’s never been before. His brain is jumping through everyway he can think of this ending and all of them leave him without Clarke. He groans, knocking his head against the window. There has to be something he can do.

He does manage to fall asleep at some point, because he wakes up a little after twelve to Clarke shaking his shoulder. The bus is pulling into the station and he can see Miller waiting on a metal bench, phone in his hand

“Hey.” He mutters to Miller once he and Clarke are standing on the platform. Miller is looking at him with a grudging concern and pulls Bellamy into an awkward hug before he asks again what Bellamy is doing here.

Bellamy is trying to think of how he’s going to explain it when it happens the first time. One second Clarke is telling him to just rip the band-aid off and tell Miller and the next she is gone. His hand immediately goes to his pocket, making sure the ribbon is still there.

“Clarke?” He shouts, whirling around, trying to locate her familiar blonde hair in the crowd around him. Miller actually takes a step back but Bellamy ignores him. Panic surges in his chest. She’s gone and he never got to say goodbye. He’s, in theory, known this was going to happen since the day he met her, but he never thought about how he would handle it. He’s practically hyperventilating and still searching the train station when she appears beside him again. It was probably only five seconds she was gone.

“Clarke.” He breathes, pulling her into a hug, regardless of how it looks to the people surrounding him. Of how it looks to Miller. There are a lot of crazy people in the city, he probably blends right in. “Where did you go?”

“I don’t know…” she says slowly, her arms still wrapped around him and her face buried in his neck. She’s not completely solid still, but at least she’s there. “I don’t remember.”

“Don’t do it again.” He whispers, pressing a kiss to the top of her head before he lets her go. He pointedly ignores the looks around him and turns to face his friend. This is as good a way as any to explain.

“Are you suffering from some kind of drug induced psychosis?” Miller asks. Bellamy almost laughs. But Miller is being serious.

“No.”

“Well, it’s the most logical explanation.” Clarke tells him, rolling her eyes despite everything.

“What the fuck just happened then?” Miller asks, having the decency to at least start the walk to his car. “What’s going on, Bellamy.” Miller hasn’t called him by his first name since they were twelve.

“Do you remember when we were kids and my mum told your dad about my imaginary friend, Clarke? And we weren’t allowed to talk about her anymore?” Bellamy asks, after taking a breath and sending a silent prayer to whoever was listening that Miller wouldn’t think he was crazy.

“Yes?” Miller says slowly, eyebrows shooting up as he unlocks his car and lets himself into the driver’s side.

“She’s real and she always has been and she’s with us right now.” Bellamy says fast enough that Miller can’t interrupt. “She’s in a coma and her, ‘ghost’ I guess, has been with me since I moved into the Griffin house.” He leans over the backseat and opens the door for Clarke.

“Bellamy.” Miller says slowly, “That’s not possible.”

“It is. I know how this sounds. It’s why I never told anyone.” Bellamy insists, glancing back at her. “A little help?” He says with raised eyebrows.

“I’m thinking. You’re the only person I’ve spoken to for thirteen years.” Clarke mutters at the same time Miller asks, “Are you sure you’re not on something? Do you have PTSD?”

“Miller.” Bellamy groans, running a hand through his hair. “I wouldn’t even be telling you this if I had a choice. But I think she’s dying. She’s disappearing.”

“She’s in a coma, Bellamy. She’s not here.”

“We should have gone to Wells. He’d believe you.” Clarke mutters.

“I haven’t spoken to Wells in years.” Bellamy snaps at her before turning to Miller again. “And I know that. I just said that. I don’t know how it’s possible, but it is.”

“I’m going to call Raven.” Miller decides, reaching into his pocket. Bellamy groans again. He knows what this must sound like and he doesn't need Raven involved.

“What are you doing?” He asks as Clarke leans forward over the centre console. They’d spent so long keeping her existence a secret that they hadn’t thought of the one thing that would prove she was real. Clarke flicks on the indicator.

“What the fuck?” Miller mutters, pressing it back down. She flicks it up again. Bellamy almost laughs in relief.

“It’s _Clarke_.” He says, as Clarke and Miller flick the indicator off and on again and again.

“Tell her to stop!” Miller snaps, looking significantly paler than he did ten seconds ago.

“Tell him I can hear him.” Clarke says, leaning back into her seat.

“She can hear you.” He repeats obediently.

“How do you know it’s Clarke and not some demon or some shit?” Miller asks after a moments pause.

“Tell him the only reason I sat next to him instead of Wells in first grade was because on the first day I told Wells I was never talking to him again because he said we were going to get married when we grew up.” Clarke says. He’s heard the story before, they laughed about when Wells told Bellamy that he was going to marry Gina Martin one day when they were eight. He repeats the story back to Miller, who flinches, obviously remembering the day.

“Okay. Say I believe you, I’m still not sure you’re not having a psychotic break and it’s contagious or something, but say I believe you, why do you think she’s dying?” Miller asks eventually, still shaking his head.

“She’s not right. She’s normally solid – like a real person, but right now she’s like…an actual ghost. And she disappeared earlier.” Bellamy says quietly.

“What do you need me for?” Miller asks, furrowing his brow. “I can’t see her, so I can’t exactly help.”

“I just need to find her. And I have no idea how. Moral support. We can't do this alone.”

“She’s in a hospital around here somewhere. I ran into Abby Griffin a few weeks ago. She didn’t recognise me, but I know they moved up here to be close to Clarke.” Miller says, parking the car in his apartment complex’ car park and shutting it off.

“Do you know which hospital?”

“No idea.”

“I’m going to call every hospital I can find and hope they can tell me if she’s there or not.” He tells Miller, dialling the first number and following Miller up three flights of stairs. To his extreme annoyance, the first seven hospitals he calls can’t give out details of patients without the emergency contacts permission, not even when he tells them it’s important. He’s turning into a nervous wreck, because for most of the sixth and seventh call, Clarke had been flickering in and out of his vision.

His eighth call is answered by a truly incompetent receptionist and by some stroke of luck, she’s willing to talk to him.

“Arkadia General, how can I help?” She asks, bright and chipper – the exact opposite of what Bellamy has dealt with.

“Hi, umm, I was wondering if you have a patient, Clarke Griffin, there?” He asks for the eighth time. He waits for her to tell him they can’t give that kind of information out over the phone, but instead hears the click of her nails on a keyboard.

“Date of birth?”

“Fifth of September, 1993.” Bellamy says, holding his breath. This was further than he got with any of the other hospitals and even if she doesn’t tell him any more, he feels like this is the right hospital.

“Oh yes, I’ve got her here. She’s in our Long Term Care Facility. Are you a relative?” She says, her voice remaining professional as she gives what Bellamy is sure is confidential information.

“Something like that. I’m coming to visit today. Could you tell me her room number?” He asks, superstitiously crossing his fingers. Miller rolls his eyes at him.

“Floor 6, room 609. Anything else I can help you with today?”

“No. Thanks so much.” Bellamy says, hanging up the phone. He turns to Clarke who is leaning on the wall of Miller’s kitchen. His stomach plummets further at the sight of her. She’s definitely doesn’t look solid anymore. She’s looking more and more like what he imagined a ghost would look like. “I found you, Clarke. Just hold on for me.”

“I will, Bell.” She whispers, placing her small, cold hand in his. He can’t even explain how happy he is, that he can still feel it.

“This is too weird.” Miller mutters, taking a beer from the fridge and draining half of it in the first mouthful.

*

Bellamy decides that regardless of the cost, a taxi is going to be the most direct and the quickest way to get to the hospital. He argues that he doesn’t need Miller to come with him, it would just raise more suspicions. He promises to keep him posted. Miller reluctantly agrees and calls a taxi for him.

Clarke disappears again in the taxi and he doesn’t have time to panic before she’s back beside him, groggily shaking her head. “I don’t know what’s happening.” She sounds terrified and the only thing Bellamy can think of doing is squeezing her hand in the most reassuring way he can muster. He doesn’t think it really helps, because the look on his face probably mirrors hers.

The taxi pulls into the hospital and Bellamy shoves the driver a handful of notes, mumbling something about keeping the change.

“Do you have a plan yet?” Clarke asks, as they walk hand in hand to the elevator. She’s less corporeal than she was before and it sounds like she’s talking through a bad telephone line. “Bellamy, I don’t think there is anything more you can do.”

“I’ll figure it out.” He tells her again, because he still can’t bring himself to say he just wants a chance to say goodbye. She flashes in and out again and he takes another steadying breath.

The sixth floor of the hospital is eerily quiet. He miraculously doesn’t pass any hospital staff on the way to the room. He stops outside room 609 and takes a deep breath. He doesn’t know what he’s going to find when he opens the door and he’s not sure if he can do it. But he has to. He puts his hand on the doorknob and is about to push it open.

“You don’t have to do this, Bell. I know there isn’t anything you can do.” Clarke whispers, placing her hand over his to stop him.

“I do.” He says, stepping into the room. Clarke – the real Clarke – is lying in the hospital bed, looking smaller and frailer than the Clarke standing beside him. She’s got a tube going down her throat and cords that are attached under her hospital gown. She has an IV in her hand that makes him wince because Clarke had told him she used to cry every time her dad took her to get a needle and didn’t stop until he bought her ice-cream. Real Clarke has the same hair and dark circles under her eyes as his Clarke does, she's just solid.

“Clarke.” He whispers, dropping beside her bed and taking Real Clarke’s hand. Or maybe she’s not Real Clarke. Maybe the Clarke who’s just dropped beside him and is holding his other hand is the real Clarke. She’s the one he’s known most of his life. She’s in literally all of his memories since they were five and six. She’s the one he fell in love with. She’s his best friend.

“Alright, so this is weird.” Clarke mutters, humour in her tone despite the situation.

“You’re telling me. I’m trying to decide which one of you is real.” He deadpans, looking between the two Clarke’s in front of him.

“I think I know what I have to do.” She murmurs.

“What are you doing, Clarke?” He asks, eyeing her suspiciously. She’s looking at her body thoughtfully.

“Bellamy, thank you.” Clarke begins, “If this doesn’t work, I want you to know this. I know having me around every second of your life hasn’t been easy, but I appreciate it. I appreciate you so much.”

“Don’t do this. Don’t you say goodbye.” Bellamy interrupts her, shaking his head and taking both of his Clarke’s hands. “I need you Clarke, I need you with me.”

“I love you, Bell.” She whispers, tears shining in her eyes.

“I love you too, Clarke.” He says, pressing his forehead against hers. She reaches out and touches her hand to her body’s hand. And just like that, she’s gone. His hands close around nothing and tear prick in his eyes.

“Clarke?” Bellamy whispers, then louder, “Clarke?” She doesn’t respond, but one of the machines is beeping loudly. He doesn’t know what it means, but he panics. Machines beep like that when people die. He’s seen it in movies.

The door to the room bursts open and the three people that burst in stare at him, but he only has eyes for Clarke, who’s chest is still thankfully rising and falling. He’s breathing a sigh of relief as her eyes flicker open, the familiar blue meeting his. Before he has time to comprehend what’s happening, a doctor is yelling at him.

“You can’t be in here. Get out.” He snaps, grabbing his arm and pulling him out the door. He’s going to fight them, but he thinks better of it. The best thing for Clarke right now is being in the care of whoever is in there with her. He considers pacing the waiting room, but the doctor had already kicked him out. Maybe he can sneak in in the middle of the night. He could probably sneak past security guards.

In the end, he decides to go and crash at Miller’s apartment for the night. He’ll go see Clarke in the morning. At least he knew she was alive. And hopefully she would stay that way until tomorrow. And preferably indefinitely after that.

Of course, there is the issue that she might not know who he is, but that is a problem he’ll deal with if it surfaces. Right now, he just has to assume she does. Worst case scenario, he knows enough about her to hopefully remind her who he is later.

*

“What happened?” Miller asks, when Bellamy knocks on his apartment door four hours later. He’s tired, stressed and sad and has been wondering around the city on his own for the last four hours. He’s never really been without Clarke for this long and it’s already taking a strain. “Where have you been all day?”

“The hospital. She’s gone and I don’t want to talk about it.” He says with no emotion. “Can I drink your beer and sleep on your couch?”

“Do I need to call someone? Does Octavia know where you are? Are you okay?” Miller asks, letting him regardless.

“Raven has Octavia still. Don’t call anyone. I’ll deal with that, when I have finished dealing with this.” Bellamy mutters, opening the fridge and wanting to exchange a look with Clarke about Miller’s shitty selection of food and beer. But he can’t. She’s not with him.

He ends up sitting with Miller, not really watching the movie he’s put on and pulling Clarke’s ribbon through his fingers. He’d told Miller why he carried it around for. He keeps shooting Bellamy concerned looks but doesn’t say anything. There’s not really much to say. He’d told Miller Clarke was gone, that as far as he knew she was still alive. He doesn’t know anything about her condition or if she remembers him.

“What’s your plan for tomorrow?” Miller asks, eventually, turning to look at Bellamy. His expression leaves no room for argument. They’re talking now.

“Back to the hospital.” He grunts.

“How are you going to get in? What is she doesn’t remember? Have you thought about this?” Miller asks again.

“I don’t know. I don’t know anything. I just need to see her to make sure she is okay. I’ll figure the rest out after.” Bellamy snaps, running a hand through his hair and reaching for his beer. He groans when he finds it’s empty.

“You’re in love with her.” Miller says it as a statement and Bellamy sighs. Is he really that transparent? Bellamy had always made it seem like he would never settle down, that he was happy with his bachelor’s lifestyle. Truth is, he’s just been happy with Clarke, since he was seventeen. Less than twelve hours of knowing of Clarke’s existence and Miller knows how he feels. Typical.

“I think she’s it for me.” Bellamy mumbles, biting the inside of his cheek and straining to keep his voice steady. Because she is. She’s the only one he wants. And he might never see her again.

“I’m sorry man.” Miller says, getting off the couch and returning with two bottles. He hands one to Bellamy and asks, “So she’s solid right? Are you guys – have you ever?”

“Jesus, Miller. No. We kissed the year Bree tried to kiss me at your new years party but we decided we couldn’t do it. She wasn’t real. It wasn’t right.” Bellamy mutters, not really sure why he’s telling Miller this but know he can’t keep it just to himself anymore. Thirteen years of being friends with Clarke and never telling a soul about her, it’s gotten to him.

“That sucks man.” Miller says, kindness in his tone that Bellamy isn’t used to. “You’re welcome to stay here as long as you need.”

“I’m going to call Octavia and let her know I’m not dead.” Bellamy mutters, jumping off the couch and darting into the bathroom before Miller can see the wetness in his eyes.

“Where the hell are you?” Octavia answers on the first ring. She sounds mad but she’s okay. And right now, Bellamy doesn’t mind that she’s angry with him. She’ll get over it.

“Don’t swear. I’m in the city.” He tells her. “Miller needs me. He’s sort of in trouble.” He hates lying to Octavia, he always feels guilty about it.

“What happened?” Octavia asks.

“I can’t tell you just yet, O. I’m sorry.” He whispers, before asking her menial details about her day that she’s reluctant to answer. She eventually hands the phone to Raven, who harasses him for details he doesn’t have. He apologises again and says he’ll be back in a week. Tops.

He’s going to have to tell them both when he gets home.

*

He gets to the hospital just as visiting hours open and manages to get to the sixth floor with no issue. He hits a roadblock, when he gets to Clarke’s room and finds a security guard leaning on the doorframe. He’s got a clipboard in his hand, which is probably a list of people who are allowed to visit. He thinks about trying to impersonate someone, but he doesn’t even know who’s on the list. He considers stealing a pair of scrubs and sneaking in, but getting arrested is probably worse than not seeing her today. Probably. He lurks on the sixth floor and then at the cafeteria, trying not to draw attention to himself but trying to keep an eye on her room.

Eventually, he tries approaching the security guard. He doesn’t have another plan and Clarke has no way of contacting him. She would be mad if he didn’t at least try and get into the room. _If, she remembers him._

“Ugh hi.” Bellamy starts, shifting his weight and running a hand through his hair. “My friend Clarke Griffin is in there? Can I see her?”

“What’s your name, son?” The guard asks, raising his eyebrows.

“Wells Jaha.” He says, with way more confidence than he feels, shoving his hand in his pocket, where he finds the ribbon he doesn’t need to be carrying.

“Sorry kid. You’re not on the list. Contact Ms Griffin and she can let me know directly.” The guard shrugs, leaving no room for argument and no chance for Bellamy to lie his way in.

“No worries. I’ll speak to her tonight.” He mumbles, turning away from the room and heading back down the hallway. He’s not sure how long he can linger around hospital hallways before someone labels him suspicious, but he’s not ready to give up yet. He has to see Clarke.

His second weird stroke of luck in as many days is when Clarke’s guard slips off his post for a cigarette break. If this goes well, he’s going to tell Abby to look into her security team a little bit harder. Bellamy could be anyone. He’s not. But he could be. Before he think better of it, he slips into Clarke’s room and pulls the door shut behind him again.

There is only one Clarke in the room, which he’s not surprised about, but she does look different to the one he’s used to. She has a little more colour in her and she’s wearing a hospital gown, not the blue dress he’s become so accustomed to. He hair is loose around her shoulders and she’s looking at him with wide eyes. He doesn’t know what to say. All he can think is, _she’s alive._

“Clarke. Hey, hey Clarke.” He whispers finally, feeling a number of emotions he can’t name crash into him. _She’s alive. He doesn’t have to say goodbye._

“Hey.” She whispers hoarsely. She looks confused. The softness she usually looks at him with isn’t there. She’s looking at him cryptically, as though she doesn’t recognise him. It hurts more than anything he’s experienced. She doesn’t remember.

“It’s Bellamy.” He says quietly, dropping to his knees beside her bed.

“Bell’my?” Clarke mumbles, she just looks lost.

“Yeah it’s me?” He asks, stepping forward. “Oh my god, Clarke. Come on. You have to remember. You have to know who I am. It’s Bellamy.” He feels so helpless. He hasn’t come up with what to do if she didn’t know who he is. He was just hoping he’d never have to deal with it. He feels tears prick in his eyes and he’s powerless to stop them. He doesn’t really want to.

“You’re real? You’re here?” She asks him, voice still raspy but clearing up with each word, eyes widening in surprise.

“Of course I’m here. I wouldn’t be anywhere else.” He says, leaning up to push her hair out of her eyes and letting a flicker of hope light in his chest. Maybe she does remember.

“I thought I dreamed you.” She says, with a tiny relieved laugh. “A really vivid, really weird, thirteen year long, dream.”

“I’m real and you’re real.” He says, leaning over and taking her hands. They’re warmer than he’s used to, but they still feel the same.

“Thank god.” She smiles at him, squeezing his hands weakly.

“Fuck, I thought you were going to die.” He manages to laugh, despite the tears that are now obvious on his face. “I thought I lost you.”

“Can’t get rid of me that easy.” She tells him, smiling through her own tears.

“Are you okay?” He asks, before he can do something stupid like kiss her. “When do you get out of here?”

She repeats what her doctor had told her, that she had come too yesterday afternoon. The whole time she was in a coma her brain was functioning higher than was expected, so they think she was able to hear what was happening around her. Which is how the explain that she isn’t still five years old in her mind. Her parents read to her every single day, since the accident. She’s retained that knowledge. Is as good as any explanation they could have come up with.

Clarke hadn’t told anyone about Bellamy, partly because she thought she was dreaming and partly because she didn’t know how to explain it. He’s grateful for that, because explaining it to Miller had been bad enough.

She’s got at least a few more weeks in hospital and then several weeks of rehabilitation before she can even think of going home. Her mum plans on having her move straight into her apartment, which is obviously the most logical option. But Bellamy just wants to bring her home.

“I just want to go home with you. I already hate it in here.” She mumbles, gesturing around the room with her hand that doesn’t have an IV in it. “I really want to drink coffee and see Octavia and Raven and Miller and actually talk to them and watch movies and finally be a real person again. I want to do it with you.”

“I’m going to bring you home as soon as you’re out of here, Clarke.” He promises, caving into his urges and bringing her hand to his lips, kissing her knuckles.

“I’m so glad I remember.” She whispers.

*

Bellamy gets kicked out of her room not much later, having been caught by the guard who heard voices. He tells Bellamy if he ever catches him near the room again he’ll go straight to the police.

“You know my number still?” Bellamy calls as he’s roughly dragged out the door and into the hallway. Clarke had helped him learn it by heart when he got his first phone. She swears she does and promises to call or text as soon as she can.

Bellamy catches the train to Miller’s, unable to wipe the smile off his face. It might be a while before he is able to see Clarke again, but at least this time when he does, other people will see her too. They’ll be able to go out in public and not have to worry about him talking to himself. They’ll be able to eat together and go to the movies. She’ll be able to taste the food she’s always looked at longingly. They might even be able to go on a date. For the first time since he fell for her, this feels like it might go somewhere. He’s hopeful.

“How’d it go?” Miller asks, when Bellamy lets himself into his apartment.

“She’s awake. She knows who I am.” Bellamy grins, the words elating him even further, “But I got kicked out of the hospital room.”

“I’m… I’m not sure what emotion this situation entails because I’ve never experienced this, but I assume I’m happy for you?”

“I’m fucking ecstatic. This is best-case scenario. I came here to say goodbye.”

“I still don’t know if I even believe you.” Miller mutters, “I’m turning to beer to help cope. Do you want one?”

Bellamy and Miller spend the night much the same as the night before, sitting on the couch, watching a movie and drinking beer. Except unlike the night before, Bellamy is in a good mood, which serves to freak Miller out even more.

Just before midnight Bellamy receives a message that makes everything even better. It’s from an unknown number, but he knows it’s Clarke.

 _Unknown_  
_Mum got me a phone today so I could contact her if I needed anything_  
I had to sit through her spending fifteen minutes teaching me how to use it  
Little does she know, I used your phone every night for the last four years  
Anyway, I miss you. I can’t wait to see you again.

 ** _Bellamy_**  
It’s been less than twenty-four hours and I miss you so much. It’s weird not being able to talk to you anytime.  
Can I contact you on this number always?

He saves her number and spends over an hour talking to her, before she confesses that she needs to sleep. It’s weird her being the first to say goodnight, but he could definitely get used to it.

He’s able to visit her the next day, while her mum is out for an hour. Clarke convinced her that there doesn’t need to be a security guard on her door, so Bellamy is able to walk straight in. She’s sitting in her bed this time, in sweats and a hoodie, with her hair in a bun on top of her head. He likes this look on her. Honestly, he’ll probably like all of her new looks. He already likes everything about her.

He holds her hand the entire visit, his fingers feeling kind of numb by the end. They’re able to talk about their days, giving information the other doesn’t know. It makes for a different conversation than the ones he’s used to, but he likes this as well.

“I have to go home tomorrow.” He tells her, as he’s getting ready to leave. Her mum will be back in the room soon and neither of them really want to explain why he’s there.

“I know. Octavia needs you.” Clarke agrees. He knew she would. She knows how important it is he looks after Octavia. If anyone found out he took off, there would be hell to pay.

“I’ll call you everyday.” He promises.

“I’ll let you know as soon as I get out of here.” She smiles, a little sadly.

“I’ll be waiting.” He lets himself lean over and press his lips to her forehead. He’s going to miss her so much.

*

“Where the hell have you been?” Octavia shouts at him when he lets himself back into their house almost eight hours later. The weight of not knowing when he’s going to see Clarke again is heavy on his shoulders.

“Don’t swear.” He says with little conviction. “Is Raven home?”

“Where the fuck have you been?” Raven asks, joining Octavia in the hallway. “Is Miller okay?”

“Miller’s fine?” Bellamy says, with raised eyebrows, belatedly realising why she was asking about Miller. He’s been caught out in his lie. “I haven’t been entirely honest with you.”

“No shit. What happened?” Raven asks. It’s not the first time he’s wished Clarke was still by his side since she woke up, but it’s the first time he’s really needed her help. He really has no idea how to explain this.

“The girl I’ve been – ugh, the girl I’ve been seeing was in hospital. I didn’t want to talk about her yet. But I needed to be there” He decides on, shrugging his shoulders and hoping they’ll believe him. When Clarke comes home, he’ll explain what really happened. He’ll tell them the whole story. But not yet.

“You’ve been seeing someone?” Raven asks dubiously, at the same time Octavia sings, “Bellamy has a giiiiirlfriend.”

“I didn’t say anything because I wasn’t sure where I stood with her. I’m still not. But she’s going to be okay.” Bellamy says, ignoring them both.

They question him for a little while longer and he answers them as honestly as he can. Eventually they seem to accept that he left for a good reason and leave him alone.

 

_April, 2012_

It’s been three months since Bellamy has seen Clarke and while he still talks to her everyday, he misses her like he never thought he could. Skyping with her every night isn’t the same as having her with him all the time. He’s not sure he’ll ever get used to be alone. He still carries her ribbon around and half expects her to turn up. She never does of course, she’s in the city. She’s getting to know her mum again. She’s having the life she never thought she would get.

He’s startled out of his sulking by a knock on the door. Raven is picking Octavia up from school and they're not due home yet. He hauls himself off the couch and opens the door to – Clarke.

“Hey.” She says, smirking at him. “Surprise.”

“Clarke?” He asks, pulling the ribbon out of his pocket. For a moment he's worried she's slipped back into a coma. 

“I’m real, Bell. I’m really here.” She whispers, taking the ribbon from him and stepping into the house. “Mum finally let me go out on my own. She thinks I’m with Wells. Wells knows I’m here. I told him everything.”

“Clarke.” He says again, his brain whirring to catch up with what she’s saying. She’s really here. “Oh my god.” He pulls her into his arms, hugging her tightly. Clarke melts into him, burying her face in his neck. "Fuck, I missed you." 

"I missed you too." She says, not letting go of him. He's sure they've been standing in the doorway for too long when they finally break apart, but it's only for a second. They move to the couch and Clarke entwines herself with him again. 

"Can I meet your sister? And Raven?" Clarke asks, absently tracing patterns on his arm. She's real, she's next to him and it's hard to concentrate on anything else.

"Do you want to tell them the truth?" 

"I do. I don't want you to have to lie anymore." 

"Then we'll tell them." Bellamy nods. 

"Cool. One thing first." Before Bellamy has a chance to respond, she's pressed her mouth against his and tangled her hands in his hair. It's familiar and new all at once. He only hesitates for a moment before pulling her close. They both want this. She's real and healthy and  _here_ and there is nothing stopping them anymore. He cups her face gently, letting her set the pace. 

They don't break apart until they hear the front door open. Clarke's cheeks are flushed and her mouth is a little red. It's pretty obvious what they're doing. But Bellamy can't bring himself to care.

"Hey Bell. Before you ask I did all my homework at school and I don't have training tonight." Octavia calls, wondering into the lounge and stopping. "Raven! He has a girl in here." 

 "Gross." Raven calls, joining Octavia in the doorway. Bellamy's sure they plan to gang up on him. 

"This is Clarke, guys. I'm like ninety per cent sure that she's my girlfriend?" He says, turning to Clarke who is still nestled into him.

"Yeah. Girlfriend." She confirms, kissing his cheek.

"Clarke... Griffin?" Raven asks slowly. She doesn't know Clarke, but there was a service for her at the school every year and the blue eyes and blonde hair are fairly unmistakeable. 

"Yeah, her coma ghost has been haunting me since I was six." Bellamy says, grinning at his  _girlfriend._ They explain everything to Octavia and Raven. How they met, how she was attached to the ribbon, how he was the only one who could see her. They answer questions that they could only know the answer if Bellamy really was being haunted by a coma ghost. They listen to all of Raven's reasons on why it was impossible. They talked for over an hour before they finally accept that what Clarke and Bellamy are saying is real. 

"What did I get Bellamy for his eleventh birthday?" Octavia asks Clarke. She's coming around, Bellamy has a suspicion that she just likes asking the questions. 

"A picture of a hamster because your mum wouldn't let you get a real one." Clarke answers.

"I need a drink." Raven declares, hoisting herself off the couch and running her hand over her ponytail. 

"Tequila and orange juice?" Clarke asks innocently, knowing that it was Raven's go to drink on bad days. 

"Yeah. If you're hanging around, you're going to have to stop knowing everything about me." Raven deadpans, looking at Clarke with what could be a smirk.

* 

Clarke stays with him that night, sleeping in one his old shirts (which is probably his favourite look on her). 

"I still can't believe people can see me again." Clarke whispers, snuggling into Bellamy. He hasn't really been able to stop touching her since she said she was his girlfriend. 

"I'm so glad they can. I'm so glad you're here." Bellamy says, pressing his lips to the top of her head.

"I love you."

"I love you too." 

This is real. This is how it's going to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this was only supposed to take three days to fill. It was also supposed to be only 3000 words. Whoops. But it's finally finished! Thanks to everyone who left kudos and comments, I appreciate it so much!
> 
> Tumblr is [ here](http://raven-reyes-of-sunshine.tumblr.com/)!

**Author's Note:**

> Also, I'm doing a series of one-shots and/or drabbles, so if you have any prompts, hit me up on Tumblr [ here](http://raven-reyes-of-sunshine.tumblr.com/)!
> 
> Comments and kudos are what keeps me living.


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